I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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