I can tuck mytits in my pants
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
