I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
