if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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