i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
someone owes me an orgasm
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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