Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
