I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
