Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
