if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
