I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
