So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
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