you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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