dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You're a waste of cheezeits
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
