I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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