i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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