I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Are these your boobs on my camera?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
