Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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