i was born a porn star she said
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
that's an acceptable place to lick
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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