stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
