if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
