Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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