I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Come on in and take your pants off
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