the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Houston, we have a squirter
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
