I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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