I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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