I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
