remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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