Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
