Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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