My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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