i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
