Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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