me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
