Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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