also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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