did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
