Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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