I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
