i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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