remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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