Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
