Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
don't judge my taste in strippers
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
