just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
