oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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