OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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