I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
