Pants 0. Shit 1.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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