you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
