Where did you get a picture of my penis
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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