i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
