Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
